Personally, I’m tired of Christians fighting amongst themselves over all these secondary hot-button issues without any guidance. Thus The Fish Wars. In essentials, unity; in nonessentials, liberty; and, in all things, follow my opinion and you’ll be closer to the truth than not. If you’d like to have a Christian worldview, but are too lazy to read the Bible for yourself, then this is the book for you. I will be happy to tell you how to think like the kind of Christian that God actually likes. (And I’m not so sure it’s the new kind.)
When it comes to theological issues, some are vital, meaning that if we lose them we lose Jesus, such as His deity, substitutionary atonement for our sins and physical resurrection from the dead. Lose those things and you lose Christianity, not to mention the fact that you’ll no longer be trusted with the keys to the fellowship hall. There are other issues that are nonessential to the gospel itself, such as putting cream cheese on bagels. This is not an essential issue in Christianity, but I say, put cream cheese on everything ‘cuz that stuff is good! Others say issues like homosexuality are not essential to the gospel. Still others want to put men on everything. Now, the issue of whether or not your bagel should have a rainbow glow emanating from it is no less important than crème cheese. These are called in-house debates, Christians hiding in churches arguing amongst themselves about what the Bible says about such issues, not to be confused with out-house debates where Christians get involved in politics. I will tell you how to think about issues that aren’t necessary to the gospel, but are evidence that your mind has been changed, that you’ve really repented. In other words, I’ll give you morals to go along with your values. Don’t you want to be part of a movement that frightens godless liberal journalists across this nation?
Godless secular humanistic robotic alien journalists from outer space are not only frightened of what Christians believe (theology), but they are also frightened about what we believe about issues that are nonessential to the gospel, such as abortion (if you’re reading this I can only assume you weren’t aborted), gay marriage (evangelical Christians are so pro-marriage that 50% of us do it again), evolution (just because you have to fight the urge to throw your poop at me doesn’t necessarily mean you evolved from monkeys), politics (and the antichrist is… the envelope, please) among others. This blog will explain where most Christians stand on these issues and then it will explain where most Christians should stand on these issues. There’s no need to explain where godless secular humanist robotic alien nonfat journalists stand on these issues – whatever is opposite of the Bible, that’s where they stand. That’s why they’re godless secular humanistic journalistic atheistic soccer fans. (The Bible is against soccer. The NFL is the only truly biblical sport. Don’t believe me? Then read Blindside, a book about how defensive ends changed the game of pro-football and how left tackles became the second highest paid position in the NFL. It was about that and a kid from the inner city of Memphis who was adopted by a white family and against all odds became a college football player who will probably be the number one draft in the NFL, a spiritual lesson we should all apply to our lives.)
We cannot separate our belief in Christ from our behavior from “the coming global crisis” from the hole where we will bury our heads. “Look, I found a bomb shelter!” We cannot compartmentalize our theological thinking. “I’d love to sit and listen to your problems, but I left my compassion on the dresser.” Once you put the substitutionary atonement of Christ in a different category than “peace-making, poverty-alleviation and creation-care” you’ve defanged the actual Gospel of Christ. Defang the gospel and Goth Christians will be very upset. Theology is and always has been holistic, meaning it will effect all of humanity, all of nature, all of everything. Everything must be theologized. That’s my motto. But it all begins with the essential and non-negotiable aspects of the Gospel, many of which I covered in my last book, A Comedian’s Guide to Theology. (Shameless plug provided by Thor Ramsey, author of A Comedian’s Guide to Theology.) Essential issues are not separated from our hot-button issues like homosexual marriage, abortion and disposing of paint in the local sewer system. Issues are not the Gospel, but they reflect where the Gospel is in us. Whatta you full of, baby? As a matter of fact, I am of the opinion (and I must confess that I am hesitant to share my opinions when I am not awake) that some of our thinking about nonessential issues is skewed because our theology is skewed. In other words, we’re skewed.
As for the tone of my book, which will certainly be a problem for some, let me just add this: “Jesus Christ is the most subversive man to have ever walked the earth.” If I am his follower, shouldn’t my comedy follow suit? Shouldn’t there be something unsettling, discomforting about “Christian” comedy? Or am I simply overcorrecting because of Joel Osteen? I think it was comedian Jann Karam who once said, “Sure there are lots of nice comedians. They’re just not funny.”
I’m sure others may have differing points of view regarding these nonessential issues of the Gospel and you can certainly subscribe to them and probably not lose your salvation. But do you really want to take that chance?
I didn’t think so.
Read on and stay secure, baby.
Thor Ramsey
Emperor of Fools, Protector of Mexico
March 25, 2009
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